Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work throughyour lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental healthpolicy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast...
If you have any problems with the policy, please don't bother to ask. We will not answer it anyway. Now, get back to work! :P
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Nun's House of Prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the Far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS...
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER! :P
Hmmmm....what were you thinking, you naughty,naughty peeps! ;)
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the Far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS...
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER! :P
Hmmmm....what were you thinking, you naughty,naughty peeps! ;)
Very hostile farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once..." :P
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once..." :P
Helping your Father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." :P
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." :P
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The mule, the farmer and the mother-in-law
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" :P
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" :P
Saturday, November 27, 2010
How are you doing?
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Settling a case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." :P
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." :P
Celebrating an Event
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." :P
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." :P
Sunday, November 21, 2010
How to get to Heaven...
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,
said to the man," Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died."
"No problem", the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked.
I thought she was having an affair but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him.
My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment."
"Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and
saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto
the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in
some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die!"
"I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him.
Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed
it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the 25 stories and crushed the man.
Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!"
The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion.
So he announced, "Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you enter,
I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died."
"No problem", said the second man. "But you are not going to believe this!"
"I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.
I think I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!"
"Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me,
and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in
some trees or bushes which broke my fall. But I didn't die immediately."
"As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the
crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly!"
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I think I like this new policy", he says to himself. "Okay", said the Angel to the second man.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
And he lets the man in.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates.
The Angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,
said to the man," Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died."
"No problem", the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked.
I thought she was having an affair but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him.
My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment."
"Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and
saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto
the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in
some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die!"
"I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him.
Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed
it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the 25 stories and crushed the man.
Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!"
The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion.
So he announced, "Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you enter,
I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died."
"No problem", said the second man. "But you are not going to believe this!"
"I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.
I think I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!"
"Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me,
and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in
some trees or bushes which broke my fall. But I didn't die immediately."
"As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the
crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly!"
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I think I like this new policy", he says to himself. "Okay", said the Angel to the second man.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
And he lets the man in.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates.
The Angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
How not to answer job interviews :)
Q. Why should I hire you?
A. Because they say you should always hire people who are better than you.
Q. Why do you want this job?
A. So I can have a front for my more lucrative activities.
Q. What do you remember about your life as a child?
A. The courts promised to suppress all that after I turned 18. Why do you want to know?
Q. Who do you admire most in history?
A. The Three Stooges.
Q. Why?
A. Because when someone asked them a stupid question, they smacked the idiot in the face.
Q. What five or six adjectives best describe you?
A. Really, really, really, really, really cool.
Q. What can you tell me about your creative ability?
A. I think my answers to most of your questions are pretty good indicators.
Q. Tell me about you as a team player?
A. Teamwork is OK, as long as other people don't get in the way.
Q. Are you willing to take a drug test as part of your employment?
A. Sure. What kind of drugs do I get to test?
Q. Did your grade-point average reflect your work ability?
A. Absolutely. Maximum results for minimum effort has always been my goal.
Q. Do you consider yourself to be a smart person?
A. No. But I'm the only person in the world with that opinion.
Q. What is your greatest weakness?
A. Three-foot putts for par.
Q. How do you handle change?
A. I usually put it in a jar in my sock drawer.
Q. Can you supervise people?
A. Sure. Tell people what to do, then kick their butts if they don't do it.
Q. Describe your management style.
A. Don't do anything you can make someone else do for you.
Q. How do you go about setting an example?
A. I never let anyone catch me sleeping in my office.
Q. How would your subordinates describe your management style?
A. Who cares.
Q. How do you define a "problem person"?
A. Anyone who disagrees with me.
Q. Are you a good communicator?
A. Huh?
End of interview... does he get hired? I DON'T THINK SO! LOL!
A. Because they say you should always hire people who are better than you.
Q. Why do you want this job?
A. So I can have a front for my more lucrative activities.
Q. What do you remember about your life as a child?
A. The courts promised to suppress all that after I turned 18. Why do you want to know?
Q. Who do you admire most in history?
A. The Three Stooges.
Q. Why?
A. Because when someone asked them a stupid question, they smacked the idiot in the face.
Q. What five or six adjectives best describe you?
A. Really, really, really, really, really cool.
Q. What can you tell me about your creative ability?
A. I think my answers to most of your questions are pretty good indicators.
Q. Tell me about you as a team player?
A. Teamwork is OK, as long as other people don't get in the way.
Q. Are you willing to take a drug test as part of your employment?
A. Sure. What kind of drugs do I get to test?
Q. Did your grade-point average reflect your work ability?
A. Absolutely. Maximum results for minimum effort has always been my goal.
Q. Do you consider yourself to be a smart person?
A. No. But I'm the only person in the world with that opinion.
Q. What is your greatest weakness?
A. Three-foot putts for par.
Q. How do you handle change?
A. I usually put it in a jar in my sock drawer.
Q. Can you supervise people?
A. Sure. Tell people what to do, then kick their butts if they don't do it.
Q. Describe your management style.
A. Don't do anything you can make someone else do for you.
Q. How do you go about setting an example?
A. I never let anyone catch me sleeping in my office.
Q. How would your subordinates describe your management style?
A. Who cares.
Q. How do you define a "problem person"?
A. Anyone who disagrees with me.
Q. Are you a good communicator?
A. Huh?
End of interview... does he get hired? I DON'T THINK SO! LOL!
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